I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
