She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
