So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
