Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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