first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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