david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
