my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
