You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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