Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I need a burrito and a hug.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
why is half of my head shaved?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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