dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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