Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
