Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
