Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
