every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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