my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you win again, gameday.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
