Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
