If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
