jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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