Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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