My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
