I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
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I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
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You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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