I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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