i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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