I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
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I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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