Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
