you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
