so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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