Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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