yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
