Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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