you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I have already put on my inside pants.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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