Tell her she can't have a vagina
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
