Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
