A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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