Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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