After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
