I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
