so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
never play flip cup with pint glasses
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
