its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
