FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
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he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
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Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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