How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
