Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My breasts were aching with rage.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
