4 words: hood of his car
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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