filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
