Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?