So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today