There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
