I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
