at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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