I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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