im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
