Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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