I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
what day is it and did you see me today?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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