he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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