I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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