At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
